Happy Birthday Angel

5 Nov

Today should be your birthday. But you are not here.

You didn’t make it.

And oh how you are missed.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you and what might have been. Were you a boy or girl? What did your beautiful face look like? Did you look like your brother? What was your personality?

I know that for some, the loss of a baby in early pregnancy isn’t a cause for such grief. They are able to accept it as something that never was, and was never meant to be.

But I can’t.

You see, to me, you were a baby from the very first moment I saw you. Just 5 days after conception as a little cluster of cells under the microscope. You were beautiful. A miracle. A fighter, growing day by day.
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The day I found out I was pregnant I had already imagined you for 2 weeks and you were very much a promise of a baby to me.

At 6 weeks, we were to see you for the first time with a heartbeat. But you hid. You were not there. Perhaps a sign of what was to come.

But at 7 weeks, we saw the little flicker on screen that proved you were real. Alive. At 8 weeks you had grown to three times your previous size. Still just a blob with a heartbeat, but my, you were beautiful to us.

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Then at 9.5 weeks you were gone. That heartbeat extinguished, my hope vanished. And my heart ached for you. It still aches.

I pray this won’t be the end of our story, and that one day, I will see you, reflected in the eyes of another child. I need to feel that your loss had a greater purpose. That you weren’t just cruelly taken from me as a taste of something I will never experience again. Rather that you were sacrificed so that another could be with us when the time is right.

But for now, happy birthday my angel. Wherever you are.

Forever in my heart. Never to be forgotten.

All my love. Mum
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3 Responses to “Happy Birthday Angel”

  1. Verily Victoria Vocalises November 13, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    Oh my goodness, this made me cry. I know exactly this feeling, totally. The first one I lost, I now see in Grace’s eyes. I hope the second comes back to me too. Thanks for linking to PoCoLo xx

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