When you can’t find the words

1 Aug

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I’m normally a chatty person. I like talking.

I like writing, mainly because I’m just talking on paper. I love blogging because I’m talking to all of you on t’internet. Or perhaps I’m just talking to myself? Ah well whatever.

But right now I’m struggling for the words. I’m choked.

It’s not because my life is quiet, serene, eventless. Far from it. My life is so full of events, so jam packed with “stuff” right now, I could do with just one day of boredom to gather up my thoughts on what the hell I’m dealing with.

I have sat down a few times and attempted to write some witty waffle, but the fact is I just don’t have the time or strength of thought right now to form the sentences. I’m too pre-occupied with surviving.

I suppose I could tell you about how I spent yet another day in A&E this last weekend after a quite terrifying ordeal whilst alone in Costco. But I don’t want to. It would put you off your dinner and I think I’m over it now.

Perhaps I could tell you about the continuing saga of my son’s battle with ITP, the weekly hospital visits, the fear I feel every day that he will fall and hurt himself or bump his head and trigger a bleed that won’t stop. The tension I feel every time we wait for the blood results, or how my heart skips a beat every time a new rash appears. But I don’t want to, I’m too focussed on getting through each day with him still in one piece.

I could probably tell you about how I’m struggling daily to keep up at work whilst juggling my endless health issues and Oscar’s hospital visits, and how I’m paranoid my boss will pull me up on it any day now, but I won’t, because we all have to juggle sometimes don’t we?

I could tell you the tale of my husband’s car spontaneously catching fire just a few days ago and the £600 bill to fix it that we could do without. But I’ll refrain, because I’ll get all ranty.

I’d like to tell you about my plans for Oscar’s spectacular birthday party, but since I’m wholly consumed with organising the damn thing for anything less than the cost of my wedding, I haven’t got the energy. Instead, I’ll save that little gem for another time.

So for now, I do what us British do best. I buckle down the hatches, dig my heels in deep and get on with it.

I forget the woe is me feelings, accept that sometimes life is tough and take every day as it comes.

And I fight. I fight hard. I stick my fingers up to misfortune, stay determined and stubborn and hope that soon, really soon my fate will turn and I’ll regain my mojo.

Maybe then I will find my words.

But until that time, we wait.

Patiently.

And play sickening amounts of candy crush saga to escape.

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5 Responses to “When you can’t find the words”

  1. Pinkoddy August 2, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

    Oh at least you have candy crush for release. I think it’s a bit like that for a lot of people atm, hang on in there.

  2. over40andamumtoone August 2, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

    Perhaps thats what I’m doing wrong – no Candy Crush going on here! But seriously, sounds like you’ve got a hell of a lot to deal with, take care x #PoCoLo

  3. Verily Victoria Vocalises August 4, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

    You WILL get your mojo back…when you least expect it. Just don’t force the issue and suddenly something will come to you. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

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