Not your average holiday review

3 Jul

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You may recall that a few months back I appealed to the blogiverse to help me find my perfect family holiday destination.

And like the clever, helpful little bunnies you are, you gave me your tips and recommendations… And like the faithful, dutiful student I am, I listened to them!

So a little over a week ago, the hubby, the hound, my saggy, flabby, wibbly, wobbly butt and I were Majorca bound for 7 days in the sun, just the three of us.

We stayed all inclusive at the First Choice Holiday Village in Cala Millor, a four star, children’s paradise, with daily kids club and entertainment.

But I figure you don’t really want to read my holiday review, you can go to Trip Advisor for that sort of serious stuff. And since I’m in a somewhat reflective mood right now, I thought I would furnish you instead with the valuable lessons I learnt from my first ever proper “family holiday” without the grandparents in tow.

Hold on to your seats folks, it’s groundbreaking stuff:

Lesson 1: Even the most disobedient child is capable of behaving immaculately at 3am if they want to fly on an aeroplane badly enough

Lesson 2: The first few days of a holiday with an overwhelmed, over excited 3 year old are just awful. So bad, you may possibly cry and send an SOS email to your mate back in Blighty asking them to book you on the next flight home.

Lesson 3: The first few days back home after a holiday with a 3 year old are just awful. So much so, you may wonder if it was worth going away at all.

Lesson 4: Don’t undertake a pre-holiday exercise regime to banish your flabby, craggy bum and achieve the perfect bikini body when visiting a family destination. Flab, sag, wobble and dimpling is the standard look amongst your parenting peer group. It’s a badge of honour. In fact, taughtness and pertness of any description looks positively inappropriate in this environment and your validity as a mother will be questioned if you have somehow retained bouncy boobs and a tiny tight ass.

Lesson 5: I do not like all inclusive food.

Lesson 6: I also do not like the “deli belly” that accompanies all inclusive food.

Lesson 7: Don’t be fooled or panicked by any child who says “I don’t want to go to the kids club today mummy”. By lunchtime, curiosity is guaranteed to get the better of the little critter and they can often be seen shimmying over the fence like a fare dodger at Glastonbury to gate crash the entertainment. Victory, and the afternoon, will be yours my friend.

Lesson 8: My son is a shit stirrer. Literally. Picture the scene. The boy returns from kids club late afternoon to be greeted by a closed splash pool. This was his response:

“Mummy why is the pool closed?”

“Because someone had an accident on the pirate ship and they have to put some special liquid in to clean it”

“Did they do a poo mummy?”

“I think so yes”

“Who did the poo mummy? Was it a boy?”

“I don’t know Oscar”

“What was his name mummy?

“I don’t know Oscar, I didn’t see him”

“Was it him mummy?” (Pointing accusatorially)

“I don’t think so Oscar, it doesn’t matter who did it, it was just an accident”

“Where is the poo mummy? Can I go in and look at it?”

“Er……” (Time to leave I think)

Lesson 9: All inclusive hotels suck when the weather is bad…… Taxi!

Lesson 10: Having a kid has obliterated my relaxation gene. Despite 3 years of longing for and salivating at the thought of sunbathing on a lounger for hours on end, given the actual chance I can’t plant my posterior for more than 5 minutes. So accustomed am I to entertaining the wriggler, that even when the boy is tucked up in kid’s club making super hero badges, my radars are up, my head buzzes and my feet itch to “do something”. How irritating.

Lesson 11: Apparently even the greatest fear of getting one’s head wet can be conquered by a 3 year old immediately if the swimming pool looks inviting enough (see photo).

Lesson 12: My fear of wasps is not as great as my urge to drink slush puppies from the self service machine.

Lesson 13: I will happily sit through the most repulsively cheesy entertainment show if my son likes it. In fact, I will actively seek that shit out. Selfless.

Lesson 14: Give a kid an ice lolly and he will expect 10, everyday even when you are home.

Lesson 15: It is possible to spend 7 whole days uninterrupted with a pre-schooler and not kill them. Just.

So did we have a good holiday? Most of the time.

Would I go to the same place again? Doubt it. But with my valuable lessons learnt, I figure next time I can’t go wrong.

Right?

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