My IVF Diary – 7 weeks pregnant

6 Jun

Retrospective diary of fertility treatment and the time when I was pregnant.

7 weeks pregnant: I can honestly say this has been the worst week of my life. The waiting has been agony. There have been days of hope and days of utter desolation.

Until the weekend was over I had a small belief that everything would be ok. I read positive stories on the web and still had various symptoms that made me stay hopeful if a little nervous. But by Monday the symptoms were fading and I lost all hope. I was resigned to my fate and just waiting to miscarry.

I cried and cried, silently at night, aloud with my partner, just occasionally hysterical. I felt cheated. Robbed. That someone had given me a taste of what I wanted so so badly, then ripped it away from me before I could believe it.

Saturday I had a date with my girls from work, Oscar and Poppy. It was hard. None of them knew my turmoil. One girl had just had her 20 week scan and was understandably full of excitement about what pram to buy and how to decorate the nursery. She shared her scan photos and all I could think was, where is my photo? Will I ever get one? I wanted to be happy for her, but I was distracted by my own struggle.

By Tuesday I decided it was lost. I spent the whole day grieving. So by Wednesday, the day of the scan, I was curiously calm. That calmness deserted me when the consultant came to start the scan. I wept abit, told her my fears, and positioned myself on the table arms crossed waiting for the bad news.

At first, she looked at the screen stony faced. She said she wanted to take a good look round before showing me. She pressed my tummy with one hand, to get a better shot. She zoomed in then out, darkened the contrast…. Everything to get a better picture.

First she confirmed the presence of the pregnancy sac. No news there. That was there last week. Then she said “and there is a yolk sac present”. Well that wasn’t there last week. Then she said “and there is definately a foetal heartbeat”. Eh? Then she turned the screen, and sure enough, right at the very edge of the sac was a flicker. Tic, tic tic. I grabbed Ben’s hand and squeezed so hard I’m surprised he didn’t yelp. She showed us again and again. Zooming in and out. It was undeniable. BUT she said, “I am a little concerned that it isn’t quite as big as it should be at this stage, so I want to scan you again in a week to check for growth. But there is definately progress since last week, so let’s all keep everything crossed that it is just in a bad position.

So for now we breathe a tentative sigh of relief and pray to god that our snowflake is just camera shy. I’ve finally seen a heartbeat, so right now, I know my baby is alive. And I know that it wasn’t just my imagination. But we aren’t out of the woods yet. And we have to hope with every bone in our body that this little miracle will stick around.

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