Bum deal

4 Jun

Yesterday I cried.

I found my wedding video and played it for the first time in 6 years. The ceremony, the dress, the speeches, my husband….. But more importantly, my ass.

Whilst preparing for the impending nuptials in the hotel room, I was flitting about in just jeans and a cheap top, and there it was…….All round and pert and TIGHT. God it was so TIGHT!

My mum used to refer to it as a ducks arse.

“If that thing was any higher, you’d smack yourself round the back of the head with it”.

It was fabulous.

Definitely my most redeeming feature. And just as well, because the rest certainly isn’t anything to shout about.

Let’s just say I only ever got tooted by white van men from behind. Ahem.

So yeah, it was all that and a bag a chips.

But today I cried again.

I caught sight of that same ass in the mirror. Well at least I think it was the same ass, it must be, it’s attached to my body, but it’s almost unrecognisable. It’s ravaged. RAVAGED I tell you.

The shock brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t see it coming.

My beautiful, precious, adored butt. My you’ve aged.

Now I have no redeeming features at all! Except my “personality” (I’m definitely screwed). I’m just a wibbly, wobbly, wonky, baggy, saggy, flabby old girl!


Since I can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment when my beautiful, tight, round, peachy specimen headed south, took on a cottage cheese appearance and began trembling like a drunken blancmange, I thought I might create a kind of artists impression of what I imagine the dreaded process must have been……

I started with something like this…….. Honest.


In crept just the odd smattering of cellulite…. No biggy, we all get it right? And in jeans I’m still looking pretty hot.


Awwww damn it, it’s spreading. Must be contagious.


Post baby and the traitorous humps are sagging…. Stooping. I hate you.


And finally, the saddlebags. Ain’t no saving it now. Cue sobbing.


But I’m not all out of fight just yet. Not quite ready to throw the towel in and put on the granny bashers right this second.

No, I’m doing what any self respecting mid 30 year old with no funds for surgery would do. I’m embarking on a rigorous, butt busting exercise regime as a damage limitation tactic before holiday.

And I’m roping my hubby in for the craic (or should that be crack?).

Today I managed 20 minutes before collapsing into a shaky, dribbling heap. I’ve got exactly 19 days to lift and shape that toosh.

If that fails, I’ll sure as hell enjoy torturing the other half anyway.


4 Responses to “Bum deal”

  1. Kay C June 4, 2013 at 6:52 am #

    Ok that made me howl laughing 😀 but seriously Madame, *prod* you have loads of fabulousness and you are gorgeous, how could you not be? you are one of us! >:-D xx

  2. jack joseph's mom June 4, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    Oh, I get it. My ass looks like an old lady’s after losing a bunch of weight earlier this year. I am hoping it will recover soon as I am back to running. If you don’t mind a suggestion, I found a great time to get in some extra glute workouts is in the shower. I do squats while the conditioner is soaking in. Wall sits are good, too, while watching tv or whenever you got an extra minute to spare. Good luck!

    • ferreroroche123 June 5, 2013 at 3:12 am #

      Wow! In the shower! That’s committed. Thanks for the tips!

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