Limbo Land

23 Apr

Today I should have been 12 weeks.

But I’m not. 

This week it’s my husband’s birthday, and I was hoping I could give him the best present ever. But I can’t.

It’s been 2.5 weeks since my loss, and I’m trying really hard to move on. I want to move forward, and I know I will, but not today.

I can’t. Unfortunately my physical road to recovery hasn’t been smooth. My body is not cooperating and the NHS have dismissed me. So on this beautiful day, when I was hoping to tell the world about Oscar’s sibling, I was actually seeing a specialist about the damage I have suffered.

And whilst I am physically unrecovered, I cannot gain closure. Each time I try to look to the future, plan for something new, I am brought back to the past, the present, by the physical problems.

Hell, I can’t even have a drink to celebrate my husband’s birthday at the weekend because the bastard consultant has put me on a concoction of drugs that do not tolerate alcohol, and I had to cancel my haircut because I was in hospital. Fate is cruel.

I am improving. In some ways. I don’t cry…. much. I wore a matching outfit today, I planted some rather beautiful flower pots and I’ve been working pretty damn hard for over a week. But life doesn’t feel normal right now.

The rational, logical part of me accepts that shit happens. It tells me to be grateful for my son, my husband, and reminds me that there are others who are going through this too. I know there are. Thousands of them, some of them people I know, who have shared their stories because they know how I feel. I thank them for that. I thank them for trusting me with their personal secrets because it’s a kind thing to do.

But the irrational part of me feels alone, bitter and resentful that it’s happened to me. Because I know the struggle I went through, and what the future holds and I don’t like it.

And I don’t yet want to see people. I feel vulnerable, exposed, and lost for conversation. I just want my husband and my son. With them I feel safe. I feel me.

So today, on this unforgettable date,  I am in limbo land. Trying desperately to get out of the past, but unable to embrace the future.

But it will come.

Never forgotten.

Thanks for reading.



4 Responses to “Limbo Land”

  1. Kay Cugini April 23, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

    Nothing I can say will make you feel better, I know, but know A and I are both thinking of you and sending you love and hugs. I think it’s normal to feel bitter when so much shit happens, Ive found myself thinking ‘Im a good person, I dont hurt people, so why me?’ but whatever you need to think and feel to get you through is the right thing. I hope they can get you feeling physically better and the rest will come, loads of love to all of you xxxx

  2. littleduckies April 24, 2013 at 10:54 am #

    I don’t know what to say…except that I’m going through this too – I had a miscarriage last week, and on Monday, when the bleeding finally looked like it was going to stop, I realized that I should’ve been 12 weeks already. And I’m not.

    Just – I know what you’re going through. And if you need to talk, I’m here.

    • ferreroroche123 April 24, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

      Thank you so much for your support. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It is so hard accepting that your pregnancy has stopped. All those markers and milestones that you were aiming for are still there but they aren’t real anymore.

      I really hope you feel better soon.

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