Announcement – the post I wished I had never had to write

5 Apr

Today I lost my baby.

I know this makes no sense to many of you, but for the past 9 weeks I have been keeping a secret.

I don’t want to talk about it, I have no words to say.  But I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. It did. For 4 weeks my husband and I made a baby. For 5 weeks and 2 days I have carried that baby.

But it didn’t make it.

During our journey, I wrote an ivf diary. I will publish that diary for those who want to read it. Not because I want sympathy, but because I pray that it might offer just a few people an insight and understanding of what some couples will go through to conceive a child. And so you know just how badly we wanted this.

My baby was due on 5th November 2013 and would have been named Hope if it was a girl. To me it will always be Hope, but now my Hope is gone. And while you watch the fireworks on bonfire night, I will be reminded of what I should have been celebrating.

I don’t know right now whether I will try again, and when. In my heart I feel that I cannot forever be denied the chance to carry another baby, but right now I have to make sense of what has happened, and be the mother to my son and the wife to my husband that they so rightfully deserve. 

My husband is my hero. I’ve never seen him cry until today. And it hurts me to know that I have caused such a beautiful man this much pain.

So I wanted you to know about Hope, because it should never be forgotten or denied. But I would also appreciate that my family are afforded some privacy and sensitivity at this time.

Finally, I would like to thank the few friends who supported me on this journey. Their support has been unrelenting and I appreciate every text and phone call.

Thank you for your understanding.

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4 Responses to “Announcement – the post I wished I had never had to write”

  1. Kay Cugini April 6, 2013 at 9:44 am #

    Just wanted you to know Im thinking of you, sending you all lots of love, know what you are going through as had one same stage. Big hugs to all of you, you are a strong loving family and you will get through this, here if you need me xxxxx

  2. Jenny April 7, 2013 at 6:24 am #

    I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling. Thoughts and prayers with you both.

  3. Spencer June 12, 2013 at 1:20 am #

    Thanks for sharing this post, and I hope you’re well. Much love and best wishes.

    • ferreroroche123 June 12, 2013 at 5:42 am #

      Getting there thanks Spence. It’s a long road, but everyday I hope to get just a bit closer to recovery.

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